News you won't see in controlled mainstream media.

~~~WHY I LIKE RETIREMENT!


**Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

**Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.--

**Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.


**Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.


**Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

**Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

**Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

**Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

**Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

**Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

**Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never-ending Coffee Break.

**Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

***And, my very favorite....**

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest .

SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.....
'Two years older than me'.
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
~~~~~~~~~~
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked....
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
~~~~~~~~~~
The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs
and have fun finding them.--

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over. --
~~~~~~~~~~
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune
to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.

'*********
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with
5 or 6, maybe 10 others.
Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can
remember who they are!

Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-- 'They Can't Outsmart Me!

--There were three men in a boat halfway across a lake. The first man suddenly said, "I forgot my lunch," then got out of the boat and walked to shore on top of the water. Later, the second man said, "I forgot my fishing tackle" and also walked across the water to shore. By this time the third man thought to himself, 'They're not going to outsmart me!' "I forgot my bait can," he said and started to walk across the water...but he sank.

The first man said to the second, "Maybe we should have told him where the rocks were."

--The World's Funniest One Liners~~
--[Living Waters Ministries / Ray Comfort ]

--**'Borrow money from a pessimist--they don't expect it back.'

--**'Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.'

--**'Never answer an anonymous letter.'

--**'I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.'

--**'Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.'

--**'No one is listening until you make a mistake.'

--**He who laughs last thinks slowest.'

--**Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.'

--**There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.'

--**Why is 'abbreviation" such a long word?'

--**'I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.'

--**'Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.' ~~

--No Mistakes Here ~~

--It's not easy being married to someone who has never made a mistake. My husband, Bud, is constitutionally incapable of admitting that he has ever been wrong. I don't think his mouth can form the words, "I'm sorry, I made a mistake."

This aspect of his personality is best illustrated by an incident that happened recently.

I was on the phone one evening, talking with my brother, when he asked, "Did Bud tell you I called last night?"

I turned to Bud and said, "Honey, you didn't tell me my brother called last night."
Without interrupting his concentration or even shifting his eyes from the TV set, my husband answered, "Not yet." --

--Chocolate For the Soul~ ACM

--HEAD MAJORETTE ~~

--"On one of my more self-assured days in my thirteenth year, I volunteered to be the head majorette for our small-town drum-and bugle corps, the Applearrows. Although I had not yet mastered the art of baton twirling and stumbled during marching drills, I rationalized that my gymnastic abilities well qualified me for this prestigious position. Did I mention I was very sure of myself?

The big parade day arrived, and I proudly began flipping, cartwheeling and marching my band along the crowded parade route. Family, friends, and even favorite teachers had come to cheer me in my new endeavor. This was a rare mountaintop experience for me; and I was savoring every aspect of this dream come true.

Suddenly, I felt a frantic tap on my shoulder and heard an irritated voice in my ear. It ws my band director. He spun me around just in time for me to see the disappearing backs of my band members as they marched the two blocks away in the other direction. ~

-----Lessons I learned that day:
1) Don't take yourself too seriously.

2) It takes more than guts and arrogance to be a leader.
3) A good leader looks over her shoulder and now then to make sure the "arrows" are pointing in the right direction.
4))However fast you run, it's really hard to catch up with a group is marching in the opposite direction!
---Chocolate For the Soul/KA
~~~~~~~~~

some jokes here are really funny. You guys just made my morning! I woke up in a sad mood and made tea with a sandwich, went to a balcony of my property in Spain and started to read this thread... hilarious! Thank you all!

---One Liners / Provoking and Thoughtful ~~[101 of the World's Funniest One Liners.]
--From; Living Waters Ministry ~~

--A Clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

--As long as there are test, there will be prayer in public schools.

--Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

--Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

--The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the to the ability to reach it.

--You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

--I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

--Ok, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

--We are born naked, wet and hungry Then things get worse.

--Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

--If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

----My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.

--I don' find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

--Don't steal. The government hates competition.
~~~~

---Witty and Wise ~~

--ED: Did you like working at the unemployment office?

FRED/ 'Not really. Even when they fired me, I still had to come in."

--FRANK/ "Is your wife still putting glue on your hunting gear?
--HANK/ 'She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns."

--FRAN / 'How much do you weigh?
--STAN / 'About 200 pounds with my glasses on.
--FRAN/ 'How much with them off?'
STAN / 'I don't know. I can't read the numbers.''

--Quotables //
"I am not the best driver. I'm safe on two-lane highways, but I might not ride with me if I were me."

--"The very first things that came back months ago, was traffic. Nobody's here, there's no place to go, just traffic with no purpose at all."

--"I seldom get down or depressed. I don't want to waste a minute when I could be enjoying life." [Dick Van Dyke, 95]
~~~~

--Ironies Of Life ~~
--[Croft M Pentz]

--If you build a large business, you're a sinister influence, if you don't you're a failure

--We blame bad luck on others but take credit for good luck for ourselves.

--Luck is what enabled others to get where they are--talent is what enabled us to get where we are.

--If God had really intended men to fly He'd make it easier to get to the airport.

--The metallic age" --gold in you teeth, silver in your hair, and lead in your pants.

--A desk is a wastebasket with drawers.

--Both sugar and vinegar are preservatives, so it seems to boil down to whether you want to be pickled or in a jam.

--Rapp's Law of Inanimate Reproduction: If you take something apart and put it back together, enough times, eventually you will have two of them.

--If the milk business ever becomes a public utility, we suppose that will make a cow holding company.

--It's a sin to play golf on Sunday, the way some play it.

--A dentist is a person who puts two instruments and a hand in your mouth and then asks you a question.

The only way to stay awake during the after-dinner speech is to make it.

The straight and narrow path would not be so narrow if more people would walk it.

Most of the time the shortest distance between two points is under construction.

A repairman is one who can smile when everything goes wrong.

Jelly is a food usually found on on bread, children, and piano keys.
.

--Now what does that have to do with anything?

--If you were another person, would you like to be a friend of yours?

--Like benefits from serving others, for as it reaches out to help, it gathers something for itself--friendship

--Friendship is the cement that holds the world together.

--Friends are those who speak to you after others don't ~~

--The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail and not his tongue.

----"ONE AT A TIME"`

---A friend of ours was walking down a deserted Mexican beach at sunset. As he walked along, he began to see another man in the distance. As he drew nearer, he noticed that the local native kept leaning down, picking something down out into the water. Time and again he kept hurling things out into the ocean.

As our friend approached even closer, he noticed that the man was picking up starfish that had been washed up on the beach and, one at a time, he was throwing them back into the water.

Our friend was puzzled. He approached the man and said, "Good evening, friend. I was wondering what you are doing."

"I'm throwing these starfish back into the ocean. You see, it's low tide right now and all of these starfish have been washed up on the shore. If I don't throw them back into the sea they will die up here from lack of oxygen."

"I understand," my friend replies, "but there must be thousands of starfish on this beach. You can't possibly get to all of them. There are simply too many hundreds of beaches all up and down this coast. Can't you see that you can't possibly make a difference?"

The local native smiled, bent down and picked up yet another starfish and as he threw it back into the sea, he replied, "Made a difference to that one!" ~~

We all make a difference in others lives. Let's be sure to do something positive while we're still here ~~

---'Chicken Soup For the Sour' ~~

---THE GIFT ~~

Bennet Cerf relates this touching story about a bus that was bumping along a back road in the South..

In one seat a wispy old man sat holding a bunch of fresh flowers. Across the aisle was a young girl whose eyes coming back again and again to the man's flowers. The time came for the old man to get off

Impulsively he thrust the flowers into the girl's lap. "I can see you love the flowers, he explained, "and I think my wife would like for you to have them. I'll tell her I gave them to you."
The girl accepted the flowers, then watched the old man get off the bus and walk through the gate of a small cemetery. ~~

"Have you had a kindness shown? Pass it on. Twas not meant for thee alone, pass it on. Let it travel down the years, let it wipe anothers tears. Till in heaven the deed appears. Pass it on."

---Chicken Soup for the Soul/ /``