Dear Aaron,

I have experienced the exact same loneliness your experiencing even though i am blessed enough to have a very special man in my life who loves me more then anything else in the world and a close supportive family. But since i got sick like this i have at times felt like i was the only one living on this planet, an allconsuming loneliness that you cant really describe to anyone. And Yet even though i feel so lonely and have someone in my life i am constantly pushing him away and finding reasons for why we should'nt be together, this though, only when im feeling bad. When Im having a good day i think what the hell was i thinking and count my blessings. And then there are days when i feel so depressed, i'd be so happy to die because death seems so much better then living, but again IT DOES PASS, and it will for you to. I can relate so much to what you are going through but I PROMISE you will get better and you will look back on this and laugh. When im having a good day i have to laugh at myself and how silly i was to be lonely and depressed. Been 3 weeks now since ive had the amalgam removed and im doing it Russ and Lauras way. Taking it nice and slow, only taking vitamins and going to start the Algin, no chemicals for me, i felt terrible after the removal, clung to my sanity with all my might and for the last few days been breaking up with him again but i just HANG ON because i know that its not really me and that this and the irrational thoughts ARE all because ive been poisoned. Please take Russ' advice and take it easy. Your body has taken a hammering, give it a chance. if you think back to how long it took all the mercury to get into your system it will take a while to get out. and its not to late for you, in any way. Try to find a relaxing hobby or something to keep your mind occupied, i know its hard and all you can think of is the loneliness and how sick you feel etc but it really helps to turn your thoughts outward and not inward, because the more you examine and meditate on how bad and lonely you feel the worse you will feel. Something that helped me alot was to start saying YES to myself. YES i am on the road to recovery, YES i will feel well again, YES this day is a blessing and i will do all i can to stay positive, Yes I can get through this, YES i desserve to be happy. Try it, you'll feel this strength well up inside you, you'll start smiling and start empowering yourself and MOST imporantly, you'll start healing yourself from within. My boyfriend calls me a No in a dress cause i say no to everything and everyone (no im not getting better, no i dont want to ruin his life by being part of it, no i will never feel normal or sain again, no i dont want to try anything new because im too sick, no i cant laugh cause ive got so much to be sad about) but since ive started saying YES i feel so truly LIBERATED from my own negative mind. I think when you think positively your body kicks into a healing process and heals every aspect of your body, soul and psyche. PLEASE TRY IT, i know it works!!!

Take care, God bless and remember THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!

PS (sorry about the loooong post) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />